I have a ton of Spanish homework to finish before class tomorrow and here I am writing a blog entry. I need to write before I do anything else though. Because without "venting," I doubt I will be able to do anything. So we hit 107 degrees today here in Sacramento. Nothing unusual for Sacramento weather BUT its almost September and isn't Fall supposed to be right around the corner or something like that? I swear Sacramento weather is bipolar. We went from nice 80's weather to 100 + Crazy I tell ya!
So now on to more serious matters such as changes in my life and decisions that I need to make. I've noticed that the way I think things through has changed a lot lately. I still think about others but I have been factoring in my future into the equations, if you must say. I think hitting 25 was sort of an eye opener for me. To tell you the truth, it scared me a little. When I was 18, I had so many goals of who I wanted to be when I turn 25 and honestly, today I am nothing like what I wanted to be. I thought that by 25, I would be married, would have a great paying job and would live the dream, but its totally the opposite. BUT, I am exactly where I want to be as a person. My understanding of the world, my attitude towards life and just my personality, I feel like I am a better person today then I was at 18. So yes, I have grown so very much and my decisions are influenced by it.
I keep saying decisions and you must be thinking, what decisions is she talking about! Well, I have a few to make. First and foremost, I don't know what to do for the holidays this year. E wants me to visit him and his family in VA. At first I agreed to this but then today my younger sister blurted out that if I am not here, they won't celebrate Christmas. No tree. No presents. Nothing. I felt terrible. Didn't know what to say or think. I want them to get used to not having me around. I want them to know what its like without me here all the time. And that brings me to my next decision I need to make. E and I are planning to living together soon. He wants me to move to VA for the next couple of years so I can finish my Undergrad and we can be a part of each others lives. Then he said we can move to California. Now that seems reasonable right? But I have so much to think of before I make any decisions. I mean look at me, I can't even decide if I wanna go away for Christmas and here I am trying to see if moving in with him for 2 years would be a good idea. I know its a good idea, but what about my family?
On the opposite side, I keep thinking about my life too. What about me. If E and I continue this long distance relationship, it will be VERY difficult. Not seeing each for months. Not being able to talk some days because of our busy schedules. Its heart breaking. I mean, its difficult right now. Some days I wait and wait for his email or for him to get on skype so we can chat. Some days I just wish I could hold his hand or lay on his shoulder to unwind. Or just lay with him and enjoy his company. Not being able to do all that is difficult. But then, not being able to spend time with family will also be difficult. I'm stuck in this viscous thought process that quite frankly gives me a migraine. I've had one all day today because I've been thinking so much. Thinking about school, (btw, school session- fall 2010 is here! and kicking my butt), life, family, love, peace of mind, future. Its frustrating. All advice is most welcome!