Thursday, April 1, 2010

Ghosts of the Past

Life plays cruel jokes sometimes. It knocks you down, but we all must find it within ourselves to get up and fight back. We all have the courage within us to get back up. But sometimes when the Ghosts of the Past come in our dreams, the same fear enthralls our minds all over again. It feels as if they had never left. 

Last year wasn't easy for as most of you might know but I found the motivation and courage from within to fight. The support from my loving family and friends helped me as well. During this struggle to find myself again, I thought I had forgiven and forgotten. I thought I had buried my past. But I never had assurance of it.

A couple of days ago, my ex boyfriend decided to contact me. It was an odd feeling at first. I woke up to his email on my iPhone and thought it was rather peculiar. At that time, I didn't pay it much mind and went on with the daily activities. When I finally sat down to realize that he had just emailed after a year, a year since our breakup, I felt a numbness. A part of me wanted to cry out loud. The feelings were unreal.

It wasn't the feeling of wanting him back. Or the feeling of "I told you so" but it was a feeling of pain. The pain I had felt when we parted ways. I had done a great job of repressing my memories of us. Suddenly, all of them were racing in my mind. It was as if someone had played a movie.

This morning I woke up and realized something had changed about me. I wasn't longing for him like I did last year. Its true that I am in a happy and loving relationship right now but everyone has the ability (not the right) to desire someone else then their partner. I'm not talking on just a physical level, but emotionally. I could have very easily desired him and nobody would know; however, I don't have the desire anymore.

Its liberating in many ways. I can say hello to him and not feel my heart jumping out. The relationship he and I had has changed. The Ghosts of the Past do not haunt me anymore.

1 comment:

  1. It was comforting for me to know that other girls felt the way I continue to feel about a certain past relationship. Just because something ends, does not mean we are over it or have closure...whatever it is ..we hang onto it.

    Memories dont go away esp painful ones, but it takes a strong person to remember the good times and let the rest go. I am glad you are happy and have chosen to empower yourself and not be swayed by the past :)

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